-’Thank You’ Alanis Morissette

I remember replaying this song many times one and a half year ago at my school, when I still had my big, black, old iPod video. Every time I played this song, it reminds me of that person.

You know the one you can’t forgive, yet still you have feelings for that person?

I replayed this song once more, and what I’ve been through, words I heard, and things I think, I can forget were flooding in. Seems those moments are haunting me? But the difference is now I can think about it without any revenge or hurt. There isn’t any pain anymore that usually stabbed me right in the middle of my chest.

How about how good it feels to finally forgive you?

yang aku dan kau ukir disela udara

adalah cerita kecil yang akan

terlupa

Dan sapaan burung diatas pohon yang memutih dipenuhi salju

yang kau terka merupakan hal-hal retoris

dalam kehidupanku

Sedang kau disana hanya bisa menyapa

matahari kecil yang mengintip lewat

bilik jendela

Lalu kau hanya bisa menunggu lewat

15 j a m waktu yang berbeda. Tanggal

yang tidak sama.

: Ditengah jalan, ditengah jarak, ditengah waktu dan angan.

Ditengah itu adalah hampa yang meragukan

***

Puisi pertama untuk orang yang berbeda, biasanya kalau menulis hal seperti ini ditujukan untuk satu orang yang sama selama 3 setengah tahun terakhir. Kali ini aku menemukan orang lain, walau masih canggung dan tidak pasti.

Semoga nanti dapat inspirasi.

Another shitty teenager rant, seriously it’s just about romance problems stupid ones complain about. So, it’s better to skip rather than having to barf yourself. Anyway…..here it comes

1) I don’t really like to, well, how do I put this? ‘Opening my heart to another person’. You know liking someone romantically and taking him seriously, not for granted. Usually I only make fun of cute boys, but when it comes to dating, I’d find someone that I have feelings on. I don’t like dating strangers.

It’s true I’m kind of ‘picky’ when it comes to boys, and it’s not because I think they are not attractive enough or something. It’s because when I like someone, I just want that person to be my boyfriend, no one else. I don’t want anybody except that person, this has caused me to become like this for years. I’ve never been kissed in the cheek or something like that. I’ve never had lovely morning texts. I’ve never had any dinner with a date.

I’ve never done that.

Because of my ‘pickiness’, people tend to advise to ‘open my heart to somebody else’. The problem is, when I open my heart to a new boy, I have problems to face. That new boy has a girlfriend, or has a crush that is not me, or is not looking for any girl, or suddenly ignore me so long I have to face the fact that the new boy’s not interested in me anymore. That’s kind of annoying really. This is why every time I like a new person, it only lasts about less than 2 months, sometimes even days.

2) People ask me if I have long distance relationship, will I be loyal? Well I hardly can get one guy so how do you expect me to get two guys at the same time?

3) ….Will that person be loyal? I don’t know, seriously. People can be quiet a surprise sometimes….so we’ll just see (if I had any)

Forever alone? No, just unlucky.

Waking up at 6.30 with pounding heads. Hearing little sister complaining about how sleepy she is. Purposely turn every lights on to wake up other siblings. Hurrying downstair to change clothes. Getting out of the bathroom with messy uniforms and hair. Quickly put the socks on and tie shoes then run to the front of the car, holding the ipod. Trying to listen to music instead of siblings’ fight. Open the car while squabbling silently about school. Walking to the third building while gazing into nothing. Open the door and put the backpack onto the table. Chat with friends. 7.30, bell rings.

Senior High School

Wake up because of the blaring alarm. Quickly go downstair and grab the uniform. Hearing the sound of crickets and nocturnal animals from the outside while sitting down, staring into nothing. Feeling extremely drowsy. Hurrying into the bathroom. Getting out of the bathroom hoping not to be late. Walk outside to the car while shuffling the ipod randomly. Sit in the car quietly. Gaze up into the sky and see the bright stars still twinkling. Start muttering when encounter traffic jams. Sigh deeply when the traffic is fine. Complain about the school’s regulation. It’s almost 6.30! Open the car’s door and run to the school across the (lousy) traffic jam. Almost got hit by a car. Feeling glad because the gate hasn’t been closed. Walk into the classroom and smile. 6.30, read Quran.

College

Wake up at 7, still feeling sleepy. Check bbm for some messages. Reply chats. Daydreaming. Wondering. Missing people, hmmm…. . Thinking about which clothes should be worn today. Peek through the window and see the sky is still dark. Take clothes and coat, then go to the restroom. Ahhh, showers. Check the mirror. Changing coats. Check the mirror. Grab some light breakfast. Go to school. Saying good bye to house family. Walk while sulking to the morning class. Sit quietly and listen to the professor.

–

See the difference?

Ketika aku mencoba memejamkan mata pada jam ketiga itu, hanya ada sekelebat hitam yang menghampiri, tak ada mimpi. Suara kereta api diluar. Suara kulkas yang mendinginkan susu. Suara selimut ditarik. Saat ini, dimomento yang sama, banyak hal yang aku kira merupakan masa depan pada masa lalu menjadi kenangan pada masa sekarang.

Dan kenangan itu seperti film yang telah terpotong, lukisan yang sudah buram. Rasanya apa yang kudapat selama ini seperti kemarin. Padahal sudah berapa lama kata ‘kemarin’ itu? Dua bulan? Empat bulan? Satu tahun?

Saat ini, orang yang kulihat mungkin akan jadi potongan kenangan yang dimasa datang, seperti orang yang terdahulu, orang yang merupakan potongan kenangan itu. Dan kenangan itu berangsur-angsur menghilang, seperti langit senja yang perlahan diselimuti bintang.

Sedangkan tatapan yang berikan itu

Nanar.

Hanya wajah yang sudah hambar.

Dan pada suatu ketika, aku ingat kau merasa takdirmu terpaut dengan tali

Menatap jendela birumu yang terasa sepi

Berharap cintamu itu, yang kau sudah lama kau berikan

Akan sekali lagi kembali

Ah,

Tapi sepertinya tali itu sudah diikat oleh tuhan sejak tahun-tahun ini baru menghitung umurnya

Sedangkan kamu, manusia biasa

Hanya bisa berangan-angan saja.

Jujur gue waktu dateng rada gak ngerti pada ngomong apa mungkin karena udah jarang ngumpul gak kayak dulu ya masa-masa Caaspank atau karena gue lagi badmood? Haha, intinya gue tetep seneng bisa ngeliat muka temen-temen gue lagi walaupun beberapa minggu lagi gue bakal jauh banget.

Gue emang gak ‘ngeh’ sama surprise ini karena…pikiran gue masih jauh ditempat lain (Yaaa, karena masalah itu). Waktu dikasih surprise, gue kaget banget tambah seneng, hanya gue gak bisa nangis.

Sayang gue pulang rada cepet, tapi waktu gue baca dirumah rasanya gue mau nangis ninggalin banyak temen-temen SP sama SMAN 8 yang udah bisa dibilang ‘keluarga sendiri’, padahal banyak gue kenal baru beberapa bulan tapi udah deket mungkin karena apa-apa bareng. Kader bareng. LDKS bareng. Main bareng. Cabut bareng (Hehe).

Tiap kali gue baca, pasti gue senyum sendiri, ketawa sendiri kayak anak autis, terus mau nangis. Kayak ada yang nyesek disini nih (Tepok dada, jangan bokep ya).

Terus gue mikir kok rasanya cepet banget yah?

Perasaan baru kemaren gue pulang dari Tanjung Lesung bareng keluarga terus mikirin ‘gimana ya gue di SMAN 8′, perasaan baru kemaren gue duduk disebuah bangku terus coba kenalan sama perempuan tampang garang tapi suaranya lembut sama suka nyanyi namanya Mudia, perasaan baru kemaren gue sibuk nyari-nyari sumber materi IGCSE yang bagus, perasaan baru kemaren milih SP terus dikader habis itu sibuk PENA, perasaan baru kemaren ikut olimpiade sains bareng Tazkya sama Meutia.

Perasaan kayaknya baru kemaren ya? Rasanya cuman beberapa bulan.

Gue bakal kangen banget sama anak-anak yang di 8, konyolnya, seriusnya, anehnya, Mudiumnya. Waktu gue ke Ujung Genteng, Lombok sama Garut. Kangen sama Chicken katsu tanpa nasinya, kangen bowlnya (rice bowl tanpa rice), kangen kosan Mudia yang sering dipake buat tempat pelarian, kangen godain cewek-cewek, kangen belajar bareng Mutia sama Tazkya walaupun gue cuman bengong sama SMSan.

Kangen banget deh pokoknya.

Makasih ya semua atas kenangannya, masa-masa itu, serunya. I love you all! Once again, I’ll miss you guys so much. We’ll meet again someday when we’ve fully achieved our utmost dreams. Even though we are apart thousand of miles, that doesn’t mean our friendship will end. So, no need to say good bye, just keep in touch : )

With Love,

Diandra

P.S.: Scrubbing yuk hahahaha.

(Maaf ya kalau gambarnya kurang bagus, gue pake macbook gue yang seadanya hehe)

Well, this is one of the most common thing I have ever experienced. Very common. It’s like it has been a main staple in my life and doesn’t really go away, regardless the situation and people.

I decided to write this because it has popped in my head a while ago. I was asking myself: ‘What if i am ignored? What will i do?’. It’s not just another ordinary ignorance, like if you ask something but no one answers (I get this a lot). I’m used to that. What i meant by being ignored is like this:

Imagine you are with a friend of yours, then another friend of you two shows up. That person screams your friend’s name, hugs your friend tightly with a joyful smile and talks to her. But you are aware that person is completely ignoring you. That person doesn’t even say a simple ‘hi’

Or if I can jolt down the conversation:

Me, X (my friend), EX (Friend of your who is ignoring you, uh no, I don’t mean your ex <but it could be your ex-friend>)

Me: So…*blah blah blah*

X: Yeah *blah blah blah*

(Here comes Ex)

Ex: X!

X: Ex!

Ex: Oh god how i miss you, oh my god!

X: Ah….i miss you too

Ex: Please don’t go, I don’t want you to go again. (Insert another annoying phrases).

Me (In my head): Looks like I am ignored again, oh well. (Continues being silence)

*30 minutes later*

Me: (Still being silence while watching those two talk excitedly about their life)

In my thought: Y u ignore me?!

Or if I can write it more ‘poised’-ly.

[Enter Me and X]

Me: And this shall begin our quest of knowledge, anyhow the letter which I receive in this electronic cased device is indeed worrying.

X: It is true though, that letter of yours is causing an unquestionable questions which we can write, like the eye of the sun which shines the earth without questioning its purpose (I don’t know what this mean…I just write it to exemplify  everything)

[Enter Ex]

Me: Ah, here comes Ex, how glad I see that person which my eyes brought the presence here!

Ex: X!

X: Ex!

Ex: Oh my dear, how many times has it been since the last time we’ve met? It’s like as if time that gaps the distance of our last meeting creates a larger gap like flooding river in the order of the Panacea, to aid our friendship more than the last time.

X: I really am happy to see such joy in your smiling face and very glad to experience it once more.

Ex: Oh how god has bestowed many gratitudes toward you! May god be with you in the very end in this very world. The friendship of ours shall not end even though this large distance of time and place creates a hollow, the bond we create won’t break.

Me: [Aside] My lord! She’s somewhat has this malignant thought of casting me away in this shadow of ignorance. What anger has erupted within the heart of mine which is now being the very flame of all my fury. Thus I cannot comprehend this ignorance or …shall I call this apathy?

If I can write it in my language:

(Gue means me, if you were wondering about it)

Gue: Blah blah blah

X: Blah blah blah

(Ex dateng)

Ex: X!

X: Ex!

Ex: X! Aaaaa, gue kangen banget sama lo (Meluk X erat-erat), sumpah gue kangen banget!

X: Eeee, iya.

Ex: Kita harus jalan-jalan dong plis sebelum lo pergi.

Gue: (Dalam hati)….Dikacangin deh gue.

(30 menit kemudian)

Gue: (Dalam hati) Masih dikacangin.

So the point is, that kind of ignorance is…frustrating. Maybe I’ve also ignored someone like that (trying not to be hypocritical). I wonder y u ignore me?